My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
