He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize