don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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