I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
