my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Too much gin, very little bucket
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
