I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
