So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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