do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize