I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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