Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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