i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
