it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
we're so committed to being not committed
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
