I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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