Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
