i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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