ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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