i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Someone signed my nipple.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
