that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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