so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
