Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize