I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
