dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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