I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
4 words: hood of his car
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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