Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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