So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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