so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
