We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Blow job season was short but glorious.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
