I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hippo gnu deer
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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