I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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