i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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