I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Vodka?
Forever.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
