My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
