I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
