watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
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