Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
