Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
