party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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