i wish my penis had a tongue
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
