everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
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