need another drink. this is the easiest way
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
