We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
