It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
