Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize