wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
