my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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