Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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