your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
