i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
