saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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