But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
