It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
