Having a random hookup so left but love u
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
