I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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