My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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