it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
