What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
