there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
